Today, I found myself overall frustrated. It seems that over the last few days my 10 month old has turned into a toddler-style baby. In other words he can’t walk but he is an excellent tantrum thrower with an intensely strong-willed personality.
Earlier, I was trying to get him dressed, you know, so he doesn’t go out in public in 20 something degree weather totally naked. It turned into a full blown wrestling match. He kicked and screamed and squirmed and as I was quickly losing the battle, I was secretly proud of his strength for a whole 10 seconds. Then purely frustrated. I was darn near sticking him in his car seat naked and wrapping him up in a blanket in the grocery store, as if he wouldn’t rip the blanket off and reveal his wardrobe malfunction, that would be blamed 100% on his mom. These days CPS would probably show up before I could even try to escape. I finally got him dressed in clothes that hardly matched.
He naturally skipped his afternoon nap and is currently sleeping naked in his bed at 7 PM. I could explain, but it’d be redundant. Minus the fact that I’m stressing over him being naked and not snuggled cozily in his fleece PJs, I’m relieved he’s sleeping way before his bedtime. I just feel unenthusiastic about taking on the task of trying to either entertain him or get him to fall back asleep when he wakes up. I’m kind of more interested in travelling to a distant world in my head. The beach to be exact.
But since I can’t hop on a plane and actually escape, I sat down with my journal and began doing stuff like what I’m currently doing. I came across something I wrote back in September. It’s sappy and was only intended for me to ever see, but here’s a little look into my ridiculous sappy mom heart:
I pull you close and never take my eyes off you as your body grows tired. You softly reach up and grab strands of my loose hair, your little hands are so curious. You gently play with my necklace, then move your wiggly fingers slowly to my chest, and your eyes shut.
Those words remind me first of all that time is flying and secondly that I feel guilty for being so frustrated, because look how sweet he was! But that’s beside the point. Those words are a reminder of the whole-hearted, intense and focused love I had for my precious boy in that moment. Today my love was anything but focused. My love never changed, but my focus did.
I get it, we can’t always stare at our children the way we stare at them when they’re only months old. That would get creepy, plus it’s just frustrating to stare at a screaming child. I also get that sometimes we have to escape into a different world for sanity’s sake.
But on days where chaos replaces the calm, the clothes don’t match, the screaming never ceases, and yes, even on the days that my babe poops on my favorite romper at the doctor’s office, could it be possible to revel in the imperfect moments and have a strong and focused love, never lacking in gratitude? To look past the hard moments to and see the bigger picture, the bigger meaning? A hard day with a little one, means I’ve been entrusted with a little one.
My son is evolving into a beautiful wild soul who never wants to sit still, or do anything that doesn’t align with his very important plans. When he wants to be naked, believe me he WANTS TO BE NAKED. How lucky am I that I get to watch that wild naked soul squirm around?
So, here’s to a Christmas focused on all the gifts. The gift of our Savior, and the gift of all the hearts God entrusted me to love.